Welcome to my thoughts.

Recently, I have been reading quite a few books. I'v been trying to fill my spare time when I am not gaming, working, or spending time with my girlfriend. I have noticed while reading, I am sometimes just pushing myself to keep going and not put down the book. I'm trying to get that much further into it but not because I am throughly enough it. (that is irrelevant as to why I am pushing myself.) I am forcing myself to read further and further so I can finish the book in search of the accomplishment. I am striving for that brief feeling when you finish a book and can nestle into your shelf. Is it wrong? Is the goal to finish the book as quick as possible only for the sake of an accomplished feeling (regardless of weather I am enjoying it or gritting my teeth through horrible writing or plot) such a bad thing? I enjoy having a large collection of books on my shelf and I buy paperbacks to read. Then, I purchase the hardcover to nestle into my shelf of achievements. I'v tr...

Consistency is something that is much harder to obtain than I realized. I have been trying to be continuously consistent with everything I do. Writing, house chores, managing the budget, creating a routine, sticking to the routine, ect. The fact that the only thing I remain consistant with is inconsistantcy has lead me to evaluate myself. Trying to find a deeper meaning or an underlining cause as to why I am struggling so hard. I have taken psychology tests and tried to delve into my own being only to find answers that I can’t help but feel would be nothing more than excuses.  I don’t want to see things that are with my personality and play the blame game for my problems. I don’t want to focus on the negitives that I find and tell myself, “Oh, that’s why I am so lazy.” Or, “I am a high functioning autistic, these are the things I just have to accept.” I wont, can’t, and utterly refuse to accept that I can’t change or find a better way! I am a person who strives for p...

Fears and doubts. These are things that have been haunting me quite recently. Weighing on my mind like a wall threating to fall over on me and the only thing holding it up is my own self confidence. Every doubt slowly placed another stone on top this wall tilting my way. Let me explain. Currently, I am working my way toward a degree and future I am not 100% confident I can do. It's terrifying. The more I study the more I doubt I am capable of achieving a feat others in the field have mastered. However! I can not let doubt and worry seep into the folds of my mind. THIS is what has kept plenty of people from yanking on the reigns of their OWN destiny's. No matter what the future holds I will not hold onto this doubt and uncertainty swirling through my chest cavity. I will push! Push back against anything that would dare chain me down with doubt. I ask you, reader to also grit your teeth and push back against anything and anyone who would otherwise hold you back. S...